I am alive

I am Alive. Remembering everything from childhood til now I recall always having to prove I am a worthy person. Ever since I was a very young child. Well for the past few months I have come to know I don;t have to prove myself to anyone. 

I am a great person... no different than anyone else... I went back to school at age 26 and proved to myself I am capable, smart and above all else a caring and loving person with a lot to offer this world.Even though I have no family to speak of... except maybe my brothers and two sisters... I am realizing more and more throughout my entire life especially the past 18 years I have been trying to prove my love and worthiness. That's going to stop, I have done enough.

Now is the time I look after loving myself and not taking on anyone else s problems... I have been a caregiver and problem solver far too long for others. I have overcome the fear of meeting my challenges in life. Many people in my life expect too much of me and always looking under a microscope to see if I am truly who I am... well I am who I am. 

Being a good mother; I have never told my children everything there was to know about certain things, they didn't need to know what I went through with their Father and I will never tell them the whole truth because they have their own views of him which I do not want to shatter. But I am still the bad person no matter what I do.

Whether it's defending my Character or otherwise I am always the bad person in all of my families eyes. I have no criminal record, no bad mother charges because there were none to be had! I did what was right for my children and myself... So if I have be the Big Bad Wolf forever to them so be it. All I ever tried to do was my best, period.

With some help I am going to be writing a book... no names or whatever but I will be... I have tried for many years to be able to sit and write this book ... too much pain came along with it... so it is quite patchy. I over the years have allowed people to control me... I now realize it is a choice (for a long time now) no one can control me even if they hang extremely important things over my head, it will not work on me anymore... I have come too far to turn back the healing. 

I have become quite proficient emotionally detaching from things that are no good for me. I will always love my adult children... but their behaviors have made me become detached for my own mental and emotional safety. For what it's worth... they are my world but not to the point of my destruction... my grandson is the best thing in the world and my daughter is a wonderful mother.

That's all I am going to say about that. I have suffered many years; well I will suffer no more. Let the challenges come and I will defeat them one at a time...

Love and Light
as always
Wandalyn        

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